I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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