Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
