who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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