u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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