i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
