What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
