Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
