There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
