AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
