fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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