I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
