any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
