So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
