And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
