dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
