ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
