Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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