im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
