Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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