youre lurking in front of me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
