Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
