I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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