Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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