You don't have asthma, your pregnant
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
