The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
