There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
