everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
