So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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