we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
