This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All I want is dick and wine.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
