Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
