p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
