You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
