i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
