My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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