I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
