When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
