im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
