Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
