I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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