so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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