So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
