I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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