Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
