I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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