Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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