He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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