you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
