and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
