I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
