he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So much rum. So many feels.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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