i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
