I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
