Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
