I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Are my feet made of real feet?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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