just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
